I used to go out all of the time. House parties, the clubs, hosting at the Camel. I was active out in these streets. Then, one day I woke up and was petrified to leave my house. Like, literally couldn’t leave out my apartment without having a full-blown panic attack. I have absolutely no clue what I was afraid of. Till this day I don’t know what triggered this. That was about seven years ago, and I still battle with anxiety attacks especially around crowds and unfamiliar places. Fucked up part is I love to travel. Well, I would love to. As long as I have a bottle of anxiety pills as a safety net. Oh, and plenty alcohol. I fucking hate it. I can’t ride with anyone anywhere because I have to know I can leave whenever I want in the back of my mind. I literally dropped my truck off at the church and caught a ride to catch the town car for my sister’s funeral.
After watching Jordan speak at Kobe’s celebration of life and dealing with my sister’s unexpected death, I am completely convinced I have to live in the moment. I cannot allow fear to control my life. I don’t want to get where I am going and regret not living, not experiencing, not loving, not allowing myself to be loved. So far, I have lived to be older than my father. I’m on the way to living longer than my dad and my sister. She just turned 34. Although, I need a 6hr in advance notice, get me out of the house. Don’t be surprised if I’m double-fisted wherever we go. This is my first birthday in forever that I have not planned down to the t. My mind is with her. My big sister. That being said, I am open to dinner/brunch dates for my birthday. Don’t ask too many questions if I don’t eat much. I still don’t have an appetite. But I will drink. Oh god! I am just grieving. I did return to work after two weeks. Anxiety attacks all day. Maybe traumas trigger the attacks. Okay, maybe, I am just afraid to be how I was seven years ago. Nothing is scarier than your mind bring stronger than you. The brain is powerful as fuck especially when you can’t talk yourself down. Side note: this shit is exhausting. My body has been hella tired from fighting myself. Pretending to be okay. Well, okay enough. I just sleep all day. But I don’t want to sleep my life away. And honestly, sleep pays no bills, and I have two kids to support and raise. I don’t want their memories of me to be “mommy was always in the bed”. I want them to remember I am the dopest person on the planet and lit up their world like they do mine.
Just Kaz LLC 