Just Kaz LLC

My therapist made a valid point: Why not write my thoughts down until it is safe to share them.

So, here we are.

It’s Wednesday. I watched my sister, Kennet, get sealed in a wooden box on Monday. I have been crying and drinking since the night I was called to the hospital. Life changed entirely, completely. It is crazy because you would think you have your past traumas handled, and then another pops up out of nowhere, like handle this now. Kennet was the only sister that knew what it was like to lose a father before even knowing him. We shared that truth. Well, us and our brother, Leif. She was always the bubbly sister and I resented it most days. No one could possibly be that happy all the time. Perhaps, I was jealous. Yet and still, I am in my feelings because she will not send me that infamous birthday text in a couple weeks. I’m sick. I miss her. A lot more than I expected. I lost two dads. What’s one sister?? My life, my world, my mind has been twirling in circles, and I just spiral out of control. I’m the heathen. I’m the one that can’t get right. I should have been taken first. But as my brother and I were at her side at the funeral home, I told him out of us three she couldn’t handle us going before her. Baby girl as strong. Real strong. But not that strong, so I get it. To have this kind of strength, scares me though. This shit creates psychopaths. I have lost too many people that were too close to me. Where the fuck is the lesson? WHAT ARE YOU PREPARING ME FOR?? How strong do I have to be? Can I just be meek? Can I be that clueless girl? Do I really have to feel everything? I always wanted to just be normal, but I just cannot escape my fate. My fate is eternal heartbreak. Happiness is temporary. I am supposed to hurt. There is some debt out there I can never pay off. I swear I wish it was different.