This is a really special post.
I cannot gauge whether I was more fucked up when Daddy didn’t wake up from a simple procedure he had undergone before OR the morning my mom called me at work and told me Daddy was gone. Watching my WHOLE daddy turn into a paraplegic was worse. I was relieved even though it hurt so damn bad. I know my daddy was miserable. I confess that’s why I didn’t visit much. That shit broke my heart because I knew that fucked you up mentally and emotionally
This post is special.
I am thirty-two years old and every single time I try to recall the day I was forced to say my final goodbyes pain tears through my core. Still.
The days, months and years later trying to cope would make him roll over in his grave several times. I know he would have a drink with me, but I know for a fact he would tell me I’m getting sloppy. I honestly don’t think my dad would tell me to quit. He would’ve told me to be smarter. I am certain if the pain wasn’t so great, my drinking wouldn’t be so heavy
HAVE YOU LOST TWO DADDYS IN YOUR LIFE???
How can you console a child that keeps losing her father figures? According to my mom I only lost one because he was the one that raised me. What she fails to realize is that I will never know the man that made me (biologically). I don’t get the opportunity to make my own opinion of him. I can’t tell anyone firsthand anything about him, so yeah, that’s fucked up.
BUT
This year I went to visit my daddy’s grave to take him flowers and beer. It has been a decade. I think it’s finally time to let go. AND REALLY LET GO. I’ve been clinging so tight to him that he hasn’t been able to rest. And that is not fair.
I apologize to him.
I apologize for never giving him back my virginity ring. I apologize for trying to take my life. And I apologize for being so damn selfish. That is a trait that he never taught me.
It’s been a decade. I must stop hurting myself just to feel closer to you. There is not enough alcohol or beer in the god given world that can bring you back to me sitting next to me teaching real OG shit again. Yeah yeah. I know alcohol poisoning took out Amy Winehouse, but I am extremely careful when mixing my liquor. But you already know that. You never took your eyes off me and that partly motivates me. Even though you can see my backsliding, you can also see my future.
You will always be my first love. And every single lesson you taught is mounted in gold leaf in my soul. And I have matured enough to know I will never stop missing you.
Just Kaz LLC 