Once again, the ground has been snatched from beneath my feet and I’m falling like Alice in Wonderland. I’m used to this feeling that happens every couple of months. Sometimes the fall is longer than other times. Unfortunately, I haven’t figured out a mathematical equation to determine the duration. I really hate the feeling of not having my feet on solid ground. It’s scary as hell. Your anxiety is so great you think you can lose everything at any moment, including your mind.
I can honestly say I don’t remember the last time I was sober. If I gave you a day, I would just be pulling that out of my ass. Thankfully, my depressive episodes are not extreme. I sleep a lot (or want to), I lose interest in everything including writing (THE HORROR!!), my drinking consumption spikes, and I isolate myself as best as possible. Thanks to my girlfriends and kids I’m never alone for long.
Because I know that there are people that are trying to “get through this thing called life” (Prince) too, I have an open door policy. Now I am not downplaying my mental illness, but I refuse to not help others when I can. When I write or talk about my disorder I’m not looking for a pity party or attention. I share my trials and tribulations to educate and remind people that are fighting the same battle they are not alone in those trenches.
Keep in mind. If you at least dragged your body out of bed, that is a victory. No matter how small it may seem celebrate that accomplishment.
One foot in front of the other.
One thing that I have learned while battling bipolar 2 disorder is you HAVE to be patient with yourself. I used to be like, “damn, I’m done being sad and melancholy, when am I going to be happy (manic) again?” Trust me. You can’t just turn depression on and off.
It’s healthy to stew in your shit for a little while, then you have to get the fuck up. Wash those dishes piling up in the kitchen sink. Make up your bed. Matter fact change the sheets and pillowcases too. Go to work. Cook dinner. Eat. WASH YOUR ASS. I know there are people that won’t admit to it but trust they went several days without a shower. (shit, I know I did). A shower/bath can actually be therapeutic, and a clean ass can brighten your mood at least a little.
One foot in front of the other.
Quiet time helps me too. Just take a few moments out of your day and sit in complete silence. Shoes off and in a comfy spot. It is okay if you accidentally fall asleep. And if you can’t just sit still; read a book, paint, write, knit, crochet, sew, drink, smoke, whatever.
So today I did my hair, yes, while sipping wine in the afternoon. I hear nothing but dogs barking and the birds chirping (still sipping wine) while writing. And honestly sometimes that’s what I need to push through even though my mind and body is like FUCK THAT. Just because that works for me doesn’t necessarily mean it will work for you. That’s just an example.
Find the bravery to see what helps you get through those dark days.
AND USE IT.
Just Kaz LLC 