I wake up in the morning still groggy from my meds, and drag my body around the house to wake up the kids and get them ready for school. Somewhere in the middle of the stupor I get myself dressed and ready for work. Every single cell, joint, muscle is pleading that I just lay down and sleep it all away. But there’s something deep within me that refuses to disappoint or hurt my kids. I have to work to keep up with my daughter’s chickafila habit. So I work. Two jobs. And at the moment, three. All so I can make sure we have a place to call our own. We have been displaced since June or July 2015. And I will be moving us into our three bedroom house on New Year’s eve. Outside of my birthday, New Year’s is my absolute favorite holiday.
Rebirth.
Purge everything from the year before and move forward, not looking back.
This particular New Year’s Eve will be different than the past five years. I used to make sure I spent the holiday with the man I loved. Whether he felt the same about the holiday never mattered to me. It was like some type of personal tradition. I would spend the last minutes of the year counting down, and the first minutes of the new year with the man I loved. No champagne needed. I even passed up on the midnight kiss. I settled for laying beside his warm and safe body. That’s all I ever really needed. To feel safe and loved.
But when the clock strikes twelve this year, I will be away from the man I love. I will have to fall asleep holding myself tight.
Every single night is ravaged with pain. The hardest part is getting through the night. I deal with it as best I can until I eventually fall asleep. And then the cycle begins again.
The end of the year is quickly approaching. And as excited as I am about the future, I can’t help but reflect on all of the trials and tribulations of my past. The thought makes me emotional as hell. But I cannot bring myself to cry because I am grateful and understanding. I know that every single thing I went through made me stronger, bolder, and more forgiving. I am in disbelief that I will be moving into my own place in several days. I worked so damn hard on fixing and building myself up this year. Preparing myself for the fruits of my labor in 2018. Yeah, I am not perfect. I never have been and I never will be. But I can strive to be a better person, mother, daughter, sister, and lover every single morning I open my eyes. Oh, and a better writer.
Just Kaz LLC 