Today doesn’t seem to feel any better than the ones before. I can feel myself falling apart at the seams. The only positive thing is that I have regained my appetite. But with that I also regained the weight I lost during my “heartbreak diet”. I really am tired of rethinking my relationship with my son’s father. The shit is wearing me down. I know you all are tired of me writing about him. So let’s talk about something else.
I am currently waiting to hear back from a potential rental property. This will be my third attempt in a week. Due to my unsightly credit, it is really hard to find a place regardless if you have more than enough income. I have been battling with my anxiety a lot more often now. The anxiousness of waiting for a decision and not having a place I can honestly call home. I have medication for my anxiety but I want to learn how to cope without it. Definitely having it on hand helps with the anxiety too. Just in case I can’t calm myself down. I have been successful thus far.
Also, I take my medication technician aide examination this weekend. I am beyond certain that I will pass but I need to pull myself out of this funk and study. Knowing me, I will be cramming the night before. The queen of procrastination.
It is snowing. Well, snowing, hailing, raining. Just nasty outside. And I am sitting on the couch I have been sleeping on for the past two weeks alone. The kids are away with family and my granddaddy girlfriend is away. Initially, I was excited about the quiet time. I looked forward to a break. But once I trudged through three highways to get home, the silence was deafening. And then he came to mind. I tried to remember times we were snowed in together. I damn sure remember always wanting to be snowed in with him. I reached for memories but didn’t grasp even one. So then I got on the emotional rollercoaster I am way too familiar with. Sadness, loneliness, bitterness, horniness, self-loathing, happiness, cockiness, and finally at the end of the ride; nothing-ness.
Now I already know what you’re thinking.
That ride is seven minutes long.
I could never in a million years explain how I go through so many different emotions in such a short amount of time. But I do. And I do it very often. To be quite frank, the shit is maddening.
Here comes the shame.
Just Kaz LLC 