I think the hardest part of this breakup is I have sit around and realize that you never shared those special moments with me. I remember very vividly the nights when you let me play in your chest hair and sleeping with my arm holding on to you as best I could with my short arms. OR the night I fell asleep on you and woke up with drool everywhere. You didn’t mind at all. Those type of moments were one-sided and I think that hurts more than anything else. The memories make my heart melt over any other feeling I am having for you. But you can’t say the same. None of those moments mattered to you. It makes me sad because I felt we had something, but you tell me we had nothing with such blatant disregard.
We talked like cavemen in our last days. No more than grunts and head nods.
The only advanced way of communicating was via text message, Truthfully, that was the safest way.
Why in the hell would I even entertain the thought of scratching your back again?
Because beyond the fear is unconditional love. Like my favorite Disney movie, you were the Beast and I was Belle trying to show you how to love. She loved the Beast no matter how much she was afraid of his strength. And I loved you just the same.
I was petrified of you. But I could not distinguish whether I was more scared of you or the thought of losing you. Every single day anxiety ravaged my entire being. Not once, did you act on comforting me. So I was completely alone to battle the range of emotions.
I doubt this is supposed to make you somehow love me or even deem my acts as loving. But I had to get it out. There is not enough Prozac, Ativan, Seroquel, alcohol, or cigarettes that could relieve the pain and anxiety I feel. Trust me. I had tried.
In the end I am tormented with dreams just to wake up to the cold reality that I can no longer love you.
Just Kaz LLC 