Every single day. Every waking moment. Even in my dreams. I want to free fall. I want to let go and just be free. I want to experience the highs, the lows. The struggles, the successes, the entire process of being a writer. Yes, I have two kids I have to support. Two human beings that depend on me. But I am not happy with answering phone calls for another man’s business. I want to build and establish MY business. My fingers itch and my mind becomes overloaded when I go too long without writing. I have to pick up a pen or type on the computer, or even now type on the notepad of my phone. I am a writer. I have been since the fourth grade. I remember I used to write stories in a composition book and pass it among my friends at school. I even wrote a play using barbies that was pretty much too much for back then. The stories I wrote were too much. They were erotic. They were raw. They were me. I accidentally left one of my composition books under my desk at school and a teacher found it. Of course, she read it and told my mom. Oh my god! I got into so much trouble. I wrote many stories and poems before I published my first book. Many of them are in composition books and notebook paper long lost. I believe I have a gift. But no one believes in me as much as I do. Maybe because I am not consistent. Maybe because I allow my own inhibitions to keep me from doing what I love. And then there’s responsibilities. I can’t just quit my job and pursue being a full time writer. How will I feed my kids? How will I keep a roof over our heads? So in the meantime, I remain unsatisfied and just existing. But what I want to do is say “fuck it” and just go for it. My business of me selling my work, my heart, my soul gives me so much pleasure. But no one understands. No one supports me with making that decision. So I stand at the window staring out yearning to break the glass and just jump. And just see where I fall. That in itself discourages the hell out of me. I could be great. I could be awful. Sadly, I will never know as I stand beside a closed window.
Yours Truly,
Kaz
Just Kaz LLC 