Hello.
My name is Kaz and I am a recovering alcoholic.
Like most people battling with mental illness, I self medicated with alcohol, which led to addiction. It took a DUI, a couple years in group therapy, and hundreds of dollars in fines for me to even consider sobriety. Sadly, I cannot go back and change the things I screwed up while being drunk. So, of course, people assume I do the same things as I did before. I will admit I battled with my addiction my entire pregnancy. Even though I knew what drinking could do to my unborn son, I craved a drink, and yes, I gave in more than a few times. One thing I learned in rehabilitative therapy and AA is that relapse is normal. Not saying that relapsing is okay, but at the same time I don’t have to be so hard on myself when I slip up. I just need to get up and continue to fight. You won’t win every single battle but you can become stronger and learn from your mistakes. I feel the need to share this because someone may relate. I went to a party for the first time in a very long time. I was so excited about finally getting out of the house and having fun. I could finally enjoy a “real” drink. I pumped a couple bottles for my six week old son in preparation. I was determined to go out without any interruptions. So, the night finally came and I took shot after shot of vodka. Then, someone decided to take shots of tequila. Of course, I joined in. I devoured several jello shooters and threw back a beer to chase it all. The entire time I was thinking in the back of my mind that I need to slow down. Use discretion, Kaz. I woke up the next morning not remembering leaving the party or even getting in the bed. I was entirely grateful that I did not have a hangover but I felt bad. I had an awesome time at the party, but getting intoxicated to the point of belligerence no longer was appetizing. I found pictures in my phone that I did not recall taking. The brand new expensive lipstick I had just opened was missing. That’s really when my past came flooding back. I’ve lost so many things during my drunken nights. I frantically looked everywhere for my BRAND NEW lipstick. I sent Facebook messages to the person who had the party and texted my ride to see if I left it in their car. No one found it. The entire day I was upset I could not find it. I was even more upset that I had gotten that messed up. I was so disappointed in myself. I didn’t even want to smell alcohol. My friend said I shouldn’t have taken the lipstick in the first place, but I know I shouldn’t have allowed myself to relapse and I was fully aware it could’ve been worse. I definitely said earlier in this post not to be too hard on yourself when you relapse because it happens. But I think I was more pissed I lost a lipstick I couldn’t afford to replace. I hate wasting money. All because of a missing lipstick I don’t even want to party any time soon. I believe I am sharing this with you all because I want to share not only my successes, but also my struggles and shortcomings. I embrace my imperfections and you should as well. Don’t dwell too much in the past. It’s over now. Right now, in the present, focus on being better and fighting harder.
Yours Truly
Kaz, a recovering alcoholic diagnosed with bipolar II disorder
Just Kaz LLC 